On Ewoks

Tonight I got home with the intention of working on some story stuff. Instead I wound up playing a lot of the sequel to Defense of the Ancients with my friends. When we finished I felt like the creative juice had somewhat flown from my body. However, every writer I've ever read has stressed the idea that you have to write even when you are not feeling inspired or ready. I've decided to split the difference and type some dumb shit on the Internet.

Specifically dumb shit about ewoks. And probably a lot of shit about Star Wars in general.

First, I want to say up front that I love Star Wars. I love it un-ironically, wholeheartedly, and dearly. I know that these days it is a bit cooler to be into "nerd" stuff like Star Wars or Star Trek or whatever. I know a lot of people enjoy deconstructing Star Wars and talking about stupid shit like the second Death Star's fallout over Endor or how Luke kissed his sister because George Lucas didn't actually have some great uber-plot encompassing all of the movies. So fucking what? Neither did J. K. Rowling but no one calls her out.

Anyway, my point is that all that shit is not what I'm talking about. I'm also not talking about the prequel trilogy--which isn't as bad as some people make it out to be. It has several gems shimmering in the darkness that is the three movies, but for the most part they're not great. But forget about that, I'm not talking about the prequels, the deconstructions, the pictures of Chewbacca with sunglasses on or any of that shit. I'm talking about the feeling you get when this shit blasts the fuck on to the screen all brass and drums and big stupid 70s letters and the stars and everything. If you don't understand what I mean when I say that feeling, then you and I have very different ideas about what Star Wars is and you are probably not someone I want to talk to.

Now, before I get to the meat of this entry, which is the ewoks, I just want to mention that I don't think it's super cool to be cynical about Star Wars, especially the first three movies. Are there plot holes, cliches, silly shit and bad costumes? Yes, and we could spend all day pointing them out and feeling smugly superior to all the silly Star Wars fanboys, but, as I said in an earlier blog, you shouldn't waste your time doing that and if you are the sort of person who enjoys that, well, this entry is probably going to annoy you and you should leave.

Alright, now, let's talk ewoks.

To start talking about ewoks, one has to talk about Return of the Jedi. People say this movie the the worst of the original Star Wars movies, or sometimes they say shit like it's the "weakest" of the three or whatever. I think this is a recent development spurred on by the Internet and everyone needing to hate everything, but I may be wrong. Maybe people have said for years that Return of the Jedi is the worst of the original Star Wars films. Whatever, my point here is I don't think that Jedi is a weak film. It think it's a great film. Never once when I was watching it and taking in only my own opinions did I ever think of it as weaker or less than the other two movies. I never found any of the original movies weak, they were all equally great to me, at all times. If anything it was the much beloved Empire Strikes Back that I didn't like. Granted, this was because I was a kid and it was the only Star Wars movie we had when I was very young (my dad had recorded it with our VCR off of ABC or something) and I watched it so many times that I just got sick of it.

One of the main complaints people have with Jedi is the ewoks. They say the ewoks are designed to appeal to kids, to sell toys, to make it into a Disney movie or whatever the hell else you want to say about the little teddy bear bastards. They say it was a glimpse into how Lucas was already starting to lose his shit and the first step on the road to Jar Jar Binks (another character I didn't think was that bad).

I say nay, to these men and women. I say that, in their haste to be derisive and coolly cynical they have missed the entire point of the ewoks. Which is sad because it is a glaringly obvious point.

That point, stated plainly, is that appearances are deceiving. Not only is this a great theme, its the central fucking theme of almost everything in Star Wars, from Luke and Leia to Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon, to Darth fucking Vader. Everything in Star Wars is about certain points of view.

The ewoks look like cute little animals, their language is chirps and gurgles and shit like "nub nub". The Empire saw them as animals that were no threat at all to their operations, and so-called fans of Star Wars see them in the same light despite their obvious proofs otherwise.

What proofs? Well, when they first find the rebels on their planet they capture them, tie them up and bring them to their village to fucking eat them. Yeah, not to make friends with them, not to ask them to help their poor village or show them the power of love or whatever, they want to roast them alive over a fire and fucking eat their tasty human flesh. They obviously know that Luke and Han are sentient beings since they have Leia in their village as a guest but they don't give a shit. Even when their god tells them to let their prisoners go they ignore him and continue to prepare to cook them. It isn't until C-3PO "levitates" to display his anger that the ewoks relent and release the rebels.

So what does this first encounter tell us? That the ewoks are not what they appear to be. They are not cute, friendly animals. Sure, Wicket was nice enough (even though he did totally brandish a spear at Leia) but he was just a kid, not a hardened ewok warrior.

And are the ewoks hardened? Fuck yes. Even ignoring the ewok movies, which I do, they're shown to be capable fighters when they join the rebels to assault the shield generator on the moon.

So people get mad at this fight too because, I guess, the ewoks are not all slaughtered wholesale by the stormtroopers and hit them with rocks which knocks the elite legion soldiers over and they kill AT-STs or something.

Well guys, shit like that happens in real life too. You don't get to see the ewoks piling onto the felled stormtroopers to rip off their armor and stab them to death because it's a Star Wars movie and not Saving Private Ryan, but we can imagine that shit happened. Did the ewoks outnumber the stormtroopers? Probably. They also had the terrain on their side and several elite rebel soldiers on their side. Even without these advantages they nearly lose the battle. It isn't until Chewbacca and a few ewoks are able to take an AT-ST and use it to fight off the Empire that they win the battle.

Is this goofy and stupid and an attempt by Lucas to sell toys? I say no. I say that the ewoks helping the rebels and revealing themselves to be vicious fighters who PLAYED DRUMS ON THE SKULLS OF THEIR DEFEATED FOES not only fits into the logical world of Star Wars but is totally in step with the whole rest of the entire saga by being things that appear to be one thing and then reveal themselves to be something different.

So, the next time someone takes a smug shot at how stupid the ewoks were, yell "yub nub" and stab his stupid fucking face with a wooden spear and then tear off his head and use it to play sweet, sweet victory music.

Or maybe just tell him he's dumb and use this blog to illustrate that. Either one works.